It’s overwhelmingly long considering the amount of time I have. In fact, it often feels like my time is in dangerously short supply. 
 
If I were guessing, I’d say your time, to-do list, and mornings might be a lot like mine. And, like me, I bet one of the first things you sacrifice in the name of saving time and crossing things off your list is people. I’m not proud of that fact. I actually like people. I want to be around them and to cultivate meaningful and deep relationships. But it feels like everything is stacked against that, especially time. 
 
But what if I told you, when it comes to making friends, time actually isn’t your enemy? You already have enough time in your day—24 hours to be exact—to engage in friendships that will change your life. Instead of more time, we just need to learn to use the time we already have more wisely. 
 
Your normal life is the most attractive thing to your friends or potential friends. I understand if you don’t believe me, but I’ve found it be true, over and over again. We’re all old enough and wise enough to know social media is a lie. It’s a pretty lie, but a lie nonetheless. You don’t need to be attending the most important social events to have friends. You don’t need a picture-perfect house or spouse or children in order to invite people into your space. You don’t have to be doing interesting things in order for people to want to spend time with you. In fact, people who are interested in others are actually the most interesting people to be around. We’re not too busy for friendships, we’re just too busy trying to make our lives look interesting enough for others to take notice. 
 
Below are three ideas about how to open up your life to friendship without having to sacrifice sleep or work to do so. 
 
__1) Open Your Calendar__   
The easiest way to invite someone into your life isn’t to plan a new event—it’s to invite them into something you’re already doing. Were you already planning to go the baseball game on Thursday night? Invite some friends to tag along. Are you dying to see the new superhero movie? See if anyone else in your circle feels the same way. Will you eat lunch today? Don’t do it alone. I’m pretty positive grocery shopping, car maintenance, and yard work are infinitely more enjoyable when you don’t do it alone. We’re so hungry for relationships, people will gladly help you sow grass seed or pick up sticks or hold the ladder while you clean your gutters. Could you do those things by yourself? Of course. It’s not actually about needing the help—it’s about the conversations you’ll have as you spend that time together. 
 
I’ve experienced this first hand with a neighbor of mine. Every time there’s a home baseball game, he sits on his back porch, smoking cigars and following his favorite team. He’s given me an open invitation to join him. When I smell the cigar smoke wafting over to my back yard, it’s a reminder that he’s free and ready to chat. He already knows where he’ll be, and he’s invited me into that space. It cost him nothing on his calendar, and yet a new friendship is growing there. 
 
 
__2) Open Your Place__   
I’m convinced our homes are the biggest missed opportunities for friendship. You could make a list a mile long of the reasons not to invite people into your home—the broken ceiling fan, the stains on the couch, the basement is too cold, the kids have too many toys out on the floor. Here’s the truth: no one cares. Seriously. You care about those things. Literally no one else does. Know why? They don’t have to live in your house. If your basement is too cold, it doesn’t stress them because they get to go home at the end of the night. If your piles of laundry are out, they don’t care, because it’s not their responsibility to put it away.
 
Our homes are the biggest tools we have in creating relationships. I have three kids. Our house is usually a mess. And yet, one night a week, a handful of guys come over and invade my living room. We read scripture together; pray together; laugh together; and spend time among the toys and laundry. Because our home is a safe place for them to land, they don’t care what it looks like when they arrive. 
 
Your home is a safe place for you. If it becomes a safe place for others, deep friendships will inevitably follow. Punch perfectionism in the mouth and open your front door. Good things will walk through. 
 
 
__3) Open Your Life__   
Honesty creates relationships. I understand there is a need for caution as you begin to share parts of your life with others—not everything is intended for public consumption. But after you’ve identified people you want to grow in relationship with—perhaps from opening your calendar and your home—there will be an opportunity to more fully open your life to them. This will create depth in relationship like almost nothing else can. The more other people know about your joys and heartaches, your excitement, and your pain points, the deeper and more meaningful the relationships will become. 
 
Opening your life looks different for each of us, and for each relationship we find ourselves investing in. For some, maybe it means being honest about your confusion around raising kids or dealing with in-laws. It could be as simple as bringing a meal to a friend who has just experienced a loss in their family or the addition of a new baby. For others, maybe it means losing your pride and asking for a ride to the garage when your car is in the shop. There was a period of time when we were a one-car family and I was forced to bum rides frequently. Believe it or not, I actually miss it because of the opportunity for community it created.
 
This step is risky. What if you share your doubts and no one else can relate? What if you ask for a ride and they say “no?” What if you bring a meal and the exchange is awkward? Those are real possibilities. But an affirming “me too,” a chance to chat in the car on your way to the garage, and the tired smile of a new parent are real possibilities as well. Friendships are worth the risk. It won’t always work in your favor. But when it does, the result will absolutely be worth the effort. 
 
You can do this. You can have deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships. Chances are, there are people in your life waiting for someone to take a chance on them—to open their calendar or home or life. One simple move just may change your (and their) life forever.

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Picking people over perfection

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Discovery – A Bible Study

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Holidays: How To Take Care Of Each Other

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The Easiest Way to Build Community

Hear directly from Kristen - your host for the proven practice of Joining Community. 

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Join Community | Grow Week 5 - Live Service Teaching

You can't be everything to everyone.  

Some of us exhaust ourselves trying to prove this truth wrong, and others give up and cut people out of our life because it's just too hard to even try. (Not that I've ever done that...cough, cough).  

__You actually can love everyone in your life well—every single one of them__. You just can't love them all the same way. You are a limited person, and you're going to run out of time, energy, and resources to give everyone everything all the time. Give up that goal right now and instead, start organizing your relationships like Jesus did.  

Everyone around Jesus left better off because of him. Everyone around Jesus was loved. But not everyone in His life got the same things from him. Jesus was fully human, so he faced the same limited 24 hours every day and also felt the desire to be good to all his family and friends. I'm sure there were also a few He met that made him take a deep breath and sigh, fighting the eye roll. So how'd He love them all anyway?  

Jesus operated in four different realms of relationship. The realm determined a lot about how He loved and invested in each person. Jesus had a core, a circle, a community, and a crowd. If you thoughtfully organize your relationships in this way, everyone in your life will get loved a little better.  

A few years back, I felt overwhelmed with my own relationships. I always felt a sense that I didn't have enough of me to go around—to my spouse, my kids, my friends, my coworkers, my parents, and on and on. I literally wrote all their names (ALL of them!) down in a notebook on a list and began to talk to God about who was in my life. I asked Him how to figure out who should be closest and maybe who needed to be further away.  

This prayer exercise led me to read the gospels and take notes on how Jesus did relationships. I figured if God was going to show me how to do it, I should be able to find clues in the life of Jesus. I saw four different types of relationships and began to think of my own in this way. It's been so very freeing! No more uber-high expectations crushing me. No more cutting people out because I'm afraid I don't have time for them. I'm a better friend because of this for sure.  

__Here's my brief description of each realm to get you thinking about this in your life.__  

__Core__: These are your ride or dies. You love them with unconditional love and commitment. Jesus had 3: Peter, James, and John. They literally saw more of Him than anyone else did and got all the inside scoop on his life and identity. You are intimately familiar with one another's strengths and flaws. You show up and go all out for these people. If Jesus had only three, you better not try to have more (and your spouse counts as one if you're married!)  

__Circle__: Your people. Shoulder to shoulder daily close relationships. You must be moving in similar directions and cross paths on a daily or weekly basis. You love them by sharing and inviting them in close on a regular basis. They should be able to celebrate and challenge you. Jesus had 12 (three core + nine more!) Again, I wouldn't think you're going to be better at this than Him so keep it under ten. And maybe start with only a couple.  

__Community__: Your intentional network of connections that you carry throughout your life. You love this realm by showing favor and preference whenever you are near them. They form a strength, stability under your life. Some might be closer, while others have moved further away due to time/distance. These are purposeful but not necessarily regular. You still share a sense of familial and general-life-direction connection.  

__Crowd__: Everyone else. You might like them. You might just pass them in the hallway every day. You love by watching to see if/when/what God is doing in this realm and join him! (He often starts interesting new things or blesses you/others with people in your crowd). This is not proactive investment—it's reactive. If you see God move, you move in this realm.  

Let yourself off the hook for loving everyone like your bestie. Let's go—better relationships are ahead!

4 Realms of Relationship

Most people think church is boring, but if that's your experience, I promise you've never been to __[mine](https://www.crossroads.net/media/series/the-super-bowl-of-preaching-2020/the-super-bowl-of-preaching-2020)__. 

It's supposed to be so much more than a bunch of people sitting in a building. Church is any gathering of people who follow God. People who care about each other and help each other thrive any way they can. Take my men's group, for example. Sometimes we cook together. Sometimes we go hiking, and sometimes we punch each other in the face. 

OK. Let me back up a second. The punching part requires some explanation. 

Years ago, God dropped an idea in my head to combine two things in my life that have been integral to my personal growth: bible study and combat sports. 

At first, I didn't take the idea seriously because of my misconceptions about what bible study was "supposed" to look like. However, I knew God was calling upon me to pursue this idea, and, to my surprise, my church was very supportive of it. I eventually got set up at a Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) gym and founded the __[Crossroads group](https://www.crossroads.net/groups/)__: G5 Boxing. 

My journey in forming this group and training with these men has been one of the greatest spiritual learning experiences I've had. Boxing was not just a gimmick to get other guys to join the group. It was God's way of getting creative and finding new ways to train us in our spiritual growth. 

__Most of us need our whole mindset about God redefined. The Bible actually describes faith aggressively. It's not a passive add-on to our life. It's meant to be an active, driving force that defines who we are.__ 

What I experienced through G5 is described perfectly in 1 Corinthians. Every aspect of the sport had a spiritual parallel, and it's the kind of faith I want for you:

"Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I discipline my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
\- 1 Corinthians 9:26-27

Let's take a closer look at the words in these verses.

__"Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly."__

If you want to stand in a boxing ring across from another boxer for ANY length of time, you need to do one thing before all else, run outside of it. If you hear a certain Rocky anthem in your head with a montage of miles being covered before he ever put on gloves, your mind is in the right place. 

I was in decent shape when I started preparing to lead the boxing group, but true boxing conditioning requires endurance, and that comes from running. If I was to take it seriously, I would need to put serious miles on my shoes, usually early in the morning. In all honesty, I love running, but there are some mornings when I'm really suffering during these runs. There's no way around this if you want to achieve the level of endurance needed to go the distance with real, seasoned boxers. This is the kind of suffering described in Romans Chapter 5: 

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
\- Romans 5:3-5

__"I do not fight like a boxer beating the air."__

By nature and choice, I love to be in a good, competitive fight that sports like boxing allows. I enjoy hitting and, yes, getting hit. I'm also very willing to give you a smile during the fight and a hug after.

This kind of love is shared by many, I've learned. Once G5 Boxing got started, a vast majority of the men who joined the group had no experience with the kind of contact boxing brings. A lot of them never even hit a heavy bag. They were willing to learn, and the first lesson in boxing is knowing that punching hurts. 

But then you learn that getting a hit to the body will not kill you. I would often start at 50% strength with a beginner, but even then, it would take time for them to get comfortable with the idea of not flinching or overreacting to getting hit to the body, even more so when you allow contact to the head. 

Just like life, you will hit and get hit. Flinching and panicked reactions to the anticipation of being hit will only cause you to get hit more, especially once your opponent sees it and uses it against you. You can see this in the wisdom shared with us in Proverbs:

"Do not be afraid of sudden terror,  
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;  
For the Lord will be your confidence,  
And will keep your foot from being caught."  
\- Proverbs 3: 5-6

We are all in a __[spiritual fight](https://www.crossroads.net/media/articles/what-is-spiritual-warfare-and-how-do-i-do-it)__, and whether we like it or not, the enemy will land hits on you. Remember you are strong enough to endure and capable of responding correctly with confidence, so you are not caught or KO'd when the enemy attacks again (which will happen.)

__"No, I discipline my body and make it my slave."__

Two things separate a boxer from a guy trying to punch someone—training and technique. Training and technique can only make you stronger and a winner if you do one thing, submit to both.

I came into boxing knowing how to punch and get punched, but that is far from all boxing is. Besides learning new things, I actually had to unlearn a lot I had picked up from previous martial arts experience because boxing is different. A lot I already knew did not apply. I had to be humble enough to accept that my preconceived "simplicity" of boxing was actually a sophisticated world unto itself, with a thousand little things for my brain and body to learn and know. 

"You punch with your body, not your arm."   
"You box with your feet, not with your hands."  
"You got to know how to keep moving when you are standing still."

None of this made sense when I started, but it did the more I submitted to the technique taught and the training that followed. Repetitive thought made new ideas second nature in my mind and repetitive action made new movements part of my muscle memory. 

The same is true of faith. Commands like “love your enemies" or "treat others better than yourself" make no sense at first. But the more you submit to the wisdom of it and allow yourself to be trained by acting on it, the more you find the power that comes from letting go of your old ways and adopting the ways of Jesus instead. We all need a trainer to unlearn the old ways and take in the new. 

Training allows your reactions to be responses. You put in the thought and consideration on how you need to respond to a situation you know is likely to come, especially when a natural reaction would likely be ineffective or even make the situation worse. Once prepared, you are able to respond in the moment—appropriately and planned when a quick reaction is needed. Whether you are rolling with the punches with a fellow boxer or avoiding the fiery arrows from a spiritual adversary, quick and appropriate responses are needed to survive the attack and thrive in the battle towards victory.

__"So that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."__

With all the bruises and bonding that boxing brought to G5, the core element that made it more than just a club or team was fellowship. That bond comes from our relationship with Jesus and with one another as brothers following him. 

Weekly, we would work out for an hour and then have an hour of discussion right after. The formula worked well. Men are VERY willing to talk and open up after they have been punching each other for an hour. It was like a weekly mini-[Man Camp](https://www.crossroads.net/mancamp/). Our discussions and sharing were often as intense as the workout and always the most significant part of the evening. 

When I say it was an intense group, I mean it. You had to sign two waivers to try the group out. In the workout and in discussions, there was no place for boys or bullies—either one would not be tolerated and shown out of the group promptly (if we couldn't lovingly coach you out of it, of course). I had standards, and I kept them because, ultimately, it was God's group. 

Among the other amazing stories God made possible, it was a small miracle that the owner and trainers at the gym allowed this church group of very green beginners (led by a man who had never been a certified boxing trainer) into their very legitimate gym and gave us a chance. They shared their knowledge, allowing us to become a true part of their community. We were able to share Jesus and our connection to Jesus, which impacted the gym community and the individuals that chose to interact with Jesus themselves.

Boxing is a sweet science with sound application that echoes the spiritual conflict we each face in the good fight of faith. If we are willing to submit to the training and techniques God has for us, we can celebrate victory with him well after the final bell of the last round ends here in our own mortal match. As the book of Hebrews 12 promises us, "Now no discipline seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

__You don't have to be a boxer to apply this verse to your life, but you do have to train if you want to experience what God has for you.__ [You also need community](https://www.crossroads.net/groups/) to do it well. This is what church looks like—when people show up for each other in homes, Zoom rooms, or boxing rings to train for what really matters. 

*Do you have an idea for a group, especially one you know God put in your heart but feel it's too far out there to work? I can only encourage you to take a step out towards it! If a group of men who punch each other, then talk about Jesus can be used to bring Jesus outside the walls of the church, imagine what he can do with your idea. A little bit of faith and action on your part will give your idea for a group a real fighting chance.*

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How To Find Friends And Grow—By Punching Each Other

There hasn't been a new episode in seven years, and you still quote it. In fact, you've probably watched an episode recently. An [article](https://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/tv/ct-mov-netflix-the-office-0705-20190703-fjlo4pkt5jb7llpo2aixl7o2pe-story.html) from last year named it Netflix's most popular content. How can a workplace comedy made for traditional TV dominate in the world of streaming, nearly a decade after it closed shop? I believe it's because *The Office* perfectly encapsulates one of your (and my) deepest desires—real, authentic community. 

I know, I know. You think you love *The Office* for Michael Scott's one-liners ("That's what she said.") You think you keep coming back for Dwight's erratic behavior ("Assistant TO the regional manager.") Or Jim and Pam's perfect love story ("Plan A was marrying her a long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.") Sure, you laugh at Stanley's sass, Andy's obliviousness, and whatever it is that Creed does. But we come back to *The Office*, almost instinctively, because it gives us a sense of community that so many of us are lacking. 

We're the loneliest generation in history. Even with social media. Even with FaceTime. Even with cell phones and email and the Internet. We're hyperconnected, and we're alone, and it's killing us.

Even before the pandemic drove nearly all of us indoors for more time than we ever thought possible, our generation was suffering. Every negative social indicator was rising: mental illness, suicide rates, drug and alcohol abuse. Technology convinced us life could be done from our couch, but it robbed us of what made life sloppily meaningful: our relationships. So we run back to a comedy that crams 20ish people into a tiny workspace because it scratches an itch we've forgotten how to reach. 

I get it. Most days, you barely like people. I'm an introvert who'd (usually) rather be reading a book than having a conversation. But the fact remains. We were made to need each other. As hard as you try, you cannot be an island. I believe it's written into us, on a fundamental level, to ache for community—people who support us, love us, and challenge us. It's literally on the first page of one of our oldest books, the Bible.

In the story of creation, found in Genesis 1, God makes the world. He crafts the sun and moon, the sea and the shore, and all the animals, birds, and plants. He calls it all good. Then, He made a man, Adam, and called him "very good." Not until God saw the man living alone did He call anything "not good." Enter community, in the form of Eve. Not even Adam, in the perfection of a newly created world, was destined to live alone. 

So, no matter how many friends have hurt you (me too), you need community. No matter how many times people have let you down (me too), you need community. No matter how easy it seems to just shut the door and do life alone (me too), you need community. 

Because a picture is still worth a thousand words, *The Office* can actually help us here. In those 201 episodes, we get to see what friendship, what community, could (and should) look like. I recently took my first spin through the entire series. Here's what I learned about friendships from the staff at Dunder-Mifflin. 

__FRIENDS LOL__  
If Dunder-Mifflin were a real workplace, one thing would be certain: you'd never leave without having laughed. Every single episode is full of hilarious moments, from Prison Mike to Kevin's chili. 

That's a good thing because a comedy that doesn't make you laugh isn't going to last long. The same is true for friendships. You need people around you that help lighten the load of life. People who make you smile and laugh add a heaping helping of levity. Why? Because life is freaking hard. It'll kill you. 

Obviously, there are times we need friends to help shoulder our burdens. We need friends that will cry with us, get angry with us, hope with us. But the fact remains, a relationship that only stays serious is what you want from a mortgage lender. With a friend, you need a pick-me-up. 

The Bible says the same, in its book of wisdom, Proverbs.  
*A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.* 

Find a friend who makes you laugh. Be a friend that doesn't dry up the bones of the people you're connected to. There's a time for sharing heaviness and hurt. But there should be just as much time (or even more) for fun and laughter. 

__FRIENDS SHOW UP__  
Weddings, funerals, celebrations, intense moments of hurt and suffering—friends are there. The biggest moments in your life should be times you share with others. 

In *The Office*, as much as the coworkers pick on each other, they show up when it matters. Jim and Pam's wedding is full of Dunder-Mifflin staff. Who are the first people to visit Meredith when Michael hits her with his car? Dunder-Mifflin staff. Who comes to the hospital after Angela and Pam have their babies (even if the new moms didn't want them there)? Dunder-Mifflin staff. 

Back to that wisdom book. Proverbs 17:17 says:   
*A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.* 

Catch that? Friends love at all times. When there's extra cash and when the money runs out. When you're celebrating a win and when you're mourning a defeat. When you're on top of the world, and when you feel buried beneath it. 

Who shows up for you? Or even better than that, who is waiting for you to show up?

__FRIENDS FORGIVE__   
Obviously, *The Office* is fictionalized television, and many of the things that happen on the show would get you fired in a heartbeat in a real work environment. Even still, the employees at Dunder-Mifflin show an incredible capacity to forgive each other. In a world where it's much easier to cut someone off than to deal with hurt or disappointment, this is radical.  

Oscar forgives Michael for publicly outing him in regards to his sexuality. Stanley seems to quickly move beyond the fact that work publicizes his affair. Angela and Andy learn to coexist. Even Roy and Jim patch things up.

Fictional examples, but the truth remains—there will come a time when a friend will hurt you. Bury and forget won't work. It requires conversation. It requires grace. It requires bravery. And if you want to persist in the friendship, it requires forgiveness. 

Even if you don't (and there are absolutely times for friendships to end), forgiveness frees you from the chains of the past. You do the work of forgiveness for yourself, to move on into new territory. Sometimes it's with the friendship intact. Other times, it's not. But one thing is certain: any and every relationship will require it at some time. 

I see you, Proverbs 17:9:  
*Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.* 

__FRIENDS SUPPORT AND CHALLENGE__   
Good friends support you. They believe in you and your dreams. They encourage. They send meals. Shoot, they'll even buy a copy of your experimental bluegrass-hip-hop album. (Thankfully, that was just a phase.) 

And good friends will challenge you. They don't clap while you willingly walk into a mistake. They offer perspective when you want to ignore reality. They call you back when you step out of line. 

Good friends support you, even covering your shifts when you chase a dream of working with athletes in Philly—Jim. But good friends also explain that you'd be an idiot to throw away your corporate job to chase superstardom on America's Next Acapella Sensation—Andy. 

The support and the challenge come from the same place—love. Love believes the best in others. And love is willing to get uncomfortable. A good friend does both.

*What? There's a Proverb that speaks to that? No way.*    
*Wounds from a friend can be trusted,*     
*But an enemy multiplies kisses.*     
Proverbs 27:6

__FRIENDS ARE DIFFERENT__  
Perhaps the most beautiful thing about the friendships in *The Office* is how different each and every person is. Kelly is an air-head. Ryan is a brown-noser. Jim is a lovable prankster. Pam is the girl next door. Meredith is that aunt you avoid at Christmas. Oscar is the voice of reason. Darryl is everyone's favorite. Dwight means well. And Michael is… well, Michael. 

On paper, these people don't have enough in common to be friends. In fact, there's only one thing they can all agree on—selling paper. That's literally it. 

When making friends, maybe we don't need to agree on all the finer points of life—maybe we just need one thing. You like hiking? Me too, let's go do it. You like Wes Anderson? Me too, let's go to a movie. You like Guinness? Me too, let's go to the pub. 

In fact, our lives will benefit if we have friends who don't share all our beliefs. Do you have a friend who votes differently than you? Do you have a friend who is in a different life stage than you? Do you have a friend who is a different race than you? A different faith outlook? A different socio-economic standing? 

Your friends round you out. They bring experiences to the table you've never had. They bring perspectives you've never seen. They bring wisdom you haven't gained. 

Proverbs says it best—the more and varied people speaking into your life, the better.   
*Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed.*   
Proverbs 15:22

Get some friends that aren't like you. Your life will be better for it. And definitely find a Kevin… that guy is hilarious. 

I get it. Making friends as an adult is hard. It takes planning and calendaring. It takes intentionality and saying "no" to something else. It takes bravery to put yourself out there and potentially face rejection. But hear me out, from someone who still has a hard time making friends himself, it's all worth it.  

Michael Scott just wanted a family. He tried with Jan. He tried with Carol. He tried with Helene and Donna. But even before he got married to Holly, he'd found that family. In fact, he created it himself. It was around him, every day, just outside his office door. His laughter; the way he always showed up; they way he forgave (except Toby); the way he supported and challenged. It created an environment where people who had only one thing in common became friends—but a family. 

I believe God does that for each of us. In Psalm 68, it says that "God sets the lonely in families." That's the potential your friendships have. It's worth fighting for. It makes your life more enjoyable. And they can be one of the most profound ways you feel God's love. 

Who knows? The right people, in the right place, and you just might feel God inside a Chilli's. 

*Need people? Now is a great time to find them. Check out crossroads.net/groups to start finding yours. Don't be discouraged if your first one isn't a hit. Great community takes time, and it's worth the wait.* 


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Why You Still Love The Office 

Here’s the reason. 

It rests on a principle of three simple words:  
__Familiarity → Comfort → Trust.__ 

When we’re familiar with someone or something, we’re comfortable, and we’re more likely to trust. The opposite works too, though. When we are unfamiliar with something (or someone), we get uncomfortable. When we’re uncomfortable, we’re unlikely to trust. 

__Familiarity brings comfort, and comfort builds trust.__ 

##### Really simple, right? Now, think about the potential effects of that on a grand scale. 

###### __If we’re only ever around people who look like us—by *nature*, that will set the limits of our comfort and trust.__ 

It’s not just that we trust those who *look like* us. We trust those *who we’re comfortable with,* which is largely determined by *who we’re familiar with.* 

__If we expand our circles, we expand our comfort which builds trust. That leads to epic possibilities when it comes to healing division.__

This principle has played out profoundly in my life, and I’m guessing it has in yours too. Because unless you’re a heartless robot, inequality probably bothers you. If you follow Jesus, you might know it’s because the Bible says God created humans in his image, which means we *all* carry incredible worth. That feeling is wired into our humanity. We inherently recognize it, so it disturbs us when people are treated poorly. 

###### But for years, I had no idea how to *respond* to inequality. It bothered me deeply. I believe in Jesus. I saw how He consistently defied societal norms that marginalized people. He elevated the status of the mistreated—women, the poor, sick, criminals, different ethnicities, and more. So even though I had no idea how to really follow that example, I just started saying yes to any opportunity that allowed me to learn. 

__My first chance was in college—interning at a homeless shelter for female survivors of domestic violence.__ For three months, I sat with women whose teeth had been knocked out. I held scared, sweet children while their mothers went to counseling, received job training, and put their life back together. I listened to their stories—realizing that women who might have looked scary to me if I’d encountered them on the street were *kind* and not much different than me. Change a few variables in my life, and I could have ended up in the exact same spot. 

__Then I rented an apartment in a “bad” part of town.__ You know, the part that’s cheap and ends up on the news a lot. My white roommates and I stood out like a sore thumb. We awkwardly chuckled when the homeless men who sat on our doorstep offered to watch our cars for us (knowing the street was notorious for break-ins). But we smiled and kept saying “hi” each day—nothing too out of our way besides granting some basic human dignity and social interaction. Sure enough, in all the time we lived there, ours were the *only* cars on the street to never get robbed. They never asked us for money. They just appreciated that we saw them as humans. We didn’t avoid them or act afraid. We simply made conversation with eye contact and knew their names. 

__Then, I started a rap team.__ Yeah, that requires some explanation, huh? I started volunteering with high school students at my church. I was used to leading worship, so we advertised: anyone want to start a music team?

Much to my surprise, the only kids that showed up were African American teenage guys who did not want to sing. They wanted to rap. So began a weekly rap team that lasted until they graduated. We’d eat dinner together and talk about a story from the Bible like David and Goliath. They’d choose a beat, each write a verse about the story, and collaborate on a hook. I’d edit the lyrics for appropriateness and accuracy, and we’d have a song. 

We’d find places for them to perform, got to know them, and watched them grow—though I’m certain that I grew the most. They became like family to me. Since then, they’ve sat around my family’s table, held my kids, and continued to talk about life over a decade later. I love them like they’re my children, and they changed me. 

What has struck me most ever since is that whenever I pass a black guy who loosely resembles them (from the age I first met them when they were fourteen to men in their late twenties), my first instinct is an incredible joy. No fear. No looking the other way. In fact, I often have to restrain a temptation to hug them or give a weirdly enthusiastic “hey!” forgetting they are strangers who don’t know me. Naturally, I’ve gotten some weird looks. 

###### That always struck me, but I could never articulate why until I learned: Familiarity → Comfort → Trust. 

It’s not only the answer to my awkward PDAs with strangers on the street, but it is why having true relationships with people who don’t look like you can begin to heal the division in our country.

I don’t ever grab my purse and hold it a little closer when an African American guy walks by. I think of the men from the rap team that I love dearly, and I smile. When I see a homeless woman or an older vet who’s living on the street, I think of the women from the shelter or the neighbors who watched our cars. I’m inclined to be friendly and hear their story. I’m actually more likely to act in fear from a white man closer to my age who looks poor because that’s a type of person I’m unfamiliar with. It’s crazy how quickly our brains associate something unknown as possibly dangerous.

__Probably the best change I’ve experienced is making it a priority to have more deep, diverse friendships with each year.__ A few years ago, I committed to making sure any group I led, any event I organized, or social circle around our family was not all white (in a genuine relationship-seeking way). Was there awkwardness in that upfront? Fear I would do it wrong, come off wrong, get misunderstood, or offend someone? ALL THE TIME. I still get it wrong sometimes. But the relationships on the other side of risk more than make up for it. The perspectives from getting out of my white bubble are life-changing, maturing, and maybe even holy. 

Profound change comes when we start to change ourselves. When we take the risks to expand our circles of what’s familiar to us. When we intentionally reach out to make someone else feel welcome, included, and seen. When we become inclusive of all people and leverage whatever resources we have for others in actual relationships. 

Then the fear that drives so much of the division in each of us can start to fall. Uninformed judgments and stereotypes that can become deadly can disappear. Unnecessary discomfort and self-protection can be replaced with empathy, compassion, wisdom, and perspective. Relationships alone can initiate incredible systemic healing the more each of us engages. 

Familiarity → Comfort → Trust is why we are moving our family to a part of town that is racially and socioeconomically diverse. We want to raise our kids around poverty *and wealth,* around people of all different colors and lifestyles. If we raise them in a bubble of people who only look like them—unintentional, *natural* biases from lack of familiarity are *bound* to develop. 

But if they grow up friends with people who look and live differently than us, they’ll have less fear and more wisdom. Fewer judgments and more compassion. They’ll have first-hand perspective from real relationships that show them all people are people made in the image of God. They can develop a heart that sees the chance to include and build relationships. 

###### __You don’t have to be crazy radical to start. Baby steps are powerful.__ 
There are countless ways to increase your familiarity, comfort, and trust with people who don’t look like you. If you happen to follow Jesus, relationally stepping outside your comfort zone isn’t optional. This is hardwired into the DNA of the man we follow, yet some Christians are as isolated, segregated, and afraid as anyone. Jesus intentionally built relationships with people the world mistreated, felt afraid of, or misunderstood. So, here are some easy ways to get started.<sup>1</sup> 

* Find someone at work who looks different than you, or makes you nervous, or maybe even bothers you. Invite them to lunch. Get to know them.   
* Just start shopping or taking walks in a part of town that’s more diverse. Be friendly. Make eye contact. Be present.   
* Stop and hear the story of the person who asks for money outside your work that you pass every day. Buy them lunch and eat together.   
* Join a tutoring program for kids who are at risk and build a lasting relationship with them *and* their family. Include them in your life and be a part of theirs.   
* Next time you move houses, notice your priorities when you choose a neighborhood and test them a bit. Challenge assumptions you make about why you live where you live. Run them by God or some trusted friends who don’t look like you to make sure you aren’t just staying in your comfort zone because that’s what you’re used to doing.  
* It may feel like the deep end to volunteer in prisons or homeless shelters, but if you’re up for it, I *highly* recommend it. Just Google opportunities in your city and try it once.

If those examples intimidate you, you can even start from home on your own. Read books and watch movies that feature characters who look different than you, highlight perspectives that are different than yours, and display history you might not have known before. Search the Bible for Jesus’ example on how He treated everyone he encountered. Look for themes, and try to imitate them. Follow people on social media that bring diversity into your feed. Listen with empathy to their view, and talk to God about what stands out to you. Ask Him what he thinks about it. 

Start with just getting *familiar* with someone or something that currently makes you uncomfortable—even a baby step can leave you radically changed. Let deeper familiarity with more people lead you into deeper agreement with the immense value God gives each of us—*every* human who carries his image. Let it prepare you to be a part of even bigger change. 

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<sup>1</sup>This article is meant to last beyond COVID-19, but even if you are in full quarantine, you can still start now. Get ready to volunteer in prisons once cities re-open. Invite someone to a Zoom call if you can’t meet for lunch. Tutor kids online, etc. 


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