How to have fun during the Super Bowl

OK, guys, this is how Super Bowl works:

You have a few friends over. The non-football fans act like they care for as long as they can. You shield your kids’ eyes from the hyper-sexualized halftime entertainment (this year will be a doozie in that department: Hip shaking, of a quality that would make Elvis blush, is guaranteed). And, barring historic meltdowns, the game itself has lost all interest by halfway through the 3rd quarter.

Neither of this year’s teams enjoys national interest. The game WILL have “best offense against best defense” going for it, but most of us aren’t football purists; we just enjoy the storylines and emotions around the games. So maybe the televised game itself won’t make your SBLIV gathering wonderful.

But this will.

Introducing your 2020 Super Bowl party pick-me-up. Guaranteed to charm and delight your gathered friends or your money back. Here’s how it works:

1. Print out the images below, which I MADE. For you. One set per guest. This may require staples.
2. Have your SBLIV Viewing Bash guests each bring a $5 or $10 gift card with them to the party (Seriously. Put on a show of Real Haughtiness on this point, and don’t budge: “No gift card, no bean dip” works well).
3. When (and only when) they cough up said gift cards, hand them a printout of Re-Elect The Super Bowl Questionnaire (don’t worry, it’s just a topical name for the game, not a political statement, but hey, if it spices up your gathering so be it). Then, make sure everybody circles their picks before any of the game-time festivities begin.
4. Let the good times roll.
5. Give the 1st place winner MOST of the gift cards, and the 2nd place winner 1 or 2 of them.
6. Become a Super Bowl Hosting Legend.

MARK MY WORDS: You and your friends will be FAR more engaged with the (typically disappointing) game, have WAY more to talk and scream about, and some lucky stiff will actually leave your party crowing about what a genius he is and how loaded down with gift cards he is! (Maybe even you! Nah, probably not you.) Regardless, play this sweet Super Bowl Props Game — which I made. For you. For free — and watch the fun begin!

You’re welcome, America. Now go have a ball, you crazy kids!

Reposted from Abraham’s Wallet